LISA O

I have loved living in this house, making it ours, updating things and making it home.  I have lived in this house since 2002.  Rob said to me once ‘if I die would you stay here’.  My answer was ‘of course I love our home, where else would I go?’

I had no idea that I would be crossing that bridge in my early fifties.  I still love this house, love the things in it, it feels like me.  But it also feels like Rob.  That is not a bad thing I want the memories; I want to honour his life and what we built together.  Do I need to be in this space to do that?  I have days where the emptiness of this house chokes me into a panic attack.  Today was one of those days.  I have been setting daily goals to fit in studying (for my CrossFit Level 3 exam), purging stuff in the house, and just generally being more mindful with a routine.  My afternoon didn’t go as planned.  The panic attack set in, and I became completely paralyzed…

That was late February, and things haven’t really changed with the house.  I haven’t spent much time alone at home.  A few North Bay trips, and a week at the Cabin with Bob all happened in March.  I feel regulated when I’m around him, it’s ok to have emotional moments and it’s ok to let feelings flow.   They pass easier when I express where and what I’m feeling, Bob encourages me to share and be present with my emotions.

I’m working on a change, and it’s scary.  I purchased a lovely, renovated craftsman style house in an older part of North Bay.  I’m terrified and excited.  The house in Port Carling, my home since 2002 isn’t going anywhere at this time, but I’ve made the decision to try living somewhere else.  I love my people, my Muskoka family but my heart and brain need a reset.  I will focus on making North Bay home, but not leave Muskoka permanently.  I need to leave to love it again.

I feel the reset is part of the change in myself that is happening.  That Lisa 2.0 will have the same bones, the same structure but the software platform was no longer working, and an upgrade was required. 

I want to explore this new Lisa outside of worlds that were Rob & Lisa.  North Bay is where I will land.  Is this a place you would expect me to live?  I have never wanted to be typical, and my connection to North Bay is because of Bob, my new love.  Maybe this is predictable, relocating to build a connection with a new man.  I am guessing it could be standard dating behaviour of a 52-year-old female widower.  As you go through all the dating rituals, trying to remember what it felt like the first time around – then just say ‘fuck it we aren’t getting any younger why not just commit to each other and move forward’.  My move to North Bay is a leap of faith, it feels good, and it feels right for me.  I don’t see it as running away or moving too fast with a new partner.

What is looks like to me:

A way to heal from my past lost love while developing a new safe and secure love in a vastly different way from anything I have ever known.

A way to explore a new life and make a new home for myself that helps develop my independence.  I get to make decisions on my own and trust my gut for the first time in my life.  I’m excited to see where this can lead me.  I’m ok with making mistakes and having setbacks.  I know that I can handle pretty much anything – the last 2 years proved my resilience.

A way to fulfill a need to find a purpose.  The last year I have been beating myself up mentally because I felt I had no purpose, no true calling.  I started regretting decisions I made early on in adulthood thinking that if I had only found that purpose early, I would be further ahead now.  My therapist called bullshit on the idea of my ‘purpose’ needing to be so grand.  I love her for making me see that a purpose isn’t some big thing that changes the world, not everyone is meant to be a Greta Thunberg.  My therapist helped me give myself permission to make my purpose ‘to be happy’, a simple concept that changed my mindset tremendously.  I no longer feel the weight of having to make a mark on the world.  My shoulders are lighter, the weight has been lifted.  The only mark I need to make is on my own well-being. 

I have just over a month until I take possession of my new house.  It’s a rollercoaster of emotions right now.  I sit here in Bob’s living room writing this on a Sunday afternoon.  Yesterday I spent the day by myself in North Bay while he was at work.  It was a crappy day weather wise, but I wandered around the city checking out places, I went into three different grocery stores trying to find a vibe of one I would like.  If you know anything of my healing over the past 2 years you will know that grocery shopping is a huge trigger for me – adjusting to shopping for one, seeing the things I used to buy specifically because Rob wanted them, seeing families and couples shopping together – it was always a recipe for a panic attack.  The grocery stores here haven’t triggered that for me – at least they didn’t yesterday.

Maybe I’m saying all this to explain my intentions to family and friends, a way to let people know that I’m ok and this is a good move for me.  I know I don’t need to explain to anyone, I don’t need to justify my decisions.  I write this to release my own judgement on myself, one that I project on to other people and assume they are thinking of me.  I’m ok, I’m making decisions and I’m moving forward.  I’m ok with making mistakes and growing from lessons learned.

I’m finding joy, I’m finding happiness.  I can see the blue sky.