LISA O

My life changed on February 8, 2023.  My husband Rob took his life.  I don’t remember much of the month of February 2023, but I’m sure I ate a lot of soup.  There was some in my freezer up until last week when I finally got around to clearing out old stuff.  Soup is good for the soul they say, and I appreciated the kindness of friends and family filling my freezer but now the old soup must go. 

The rest of 2023 was filled with tasks, too busy to get wrapped up in the enormity of the situation.  Yes, I was grieving Rob during that time but keeping busy to cope, the grief in that first year is different than the grief I feel now.  First year grief is about the loss of life, missing the person to the extreme and dealing with the whys – especially with suicide.  There is so much to do that you have a purpose to continue, to get through to the other side.  Although the other side is a farce, maybe, it seems that way when you are in the middle.

As I went through the first year, I made assumptions that the second year would be filled with finding my new self, my new life, finding fun again, maybe even new love.  I wasn’t wrong.  I’m here in the second year, searching for self, fun and love – but fucking GRIEF is here with me too.  Grief is still sitting on my chest.  Grief is stirring in the pit of my stomach.  Grief has a hold on my brain and telling it to fuck with me.  Grief didn’t leave, Grief just changed.

I’ve decided to make friends with Grief. 

Seems a little strange, doesn’t it?  Why would anyone want to be friends with Grief?  Grief doesn’t seem to be going anywhere so if I bring Grief in perhaps it won’t be such an asshole.  Grief lives here now.

While my journey with Grief is only 19 months in, it feels like a lifetime.  My goal is set boundaries with Grief, like you would an overbearing family member or co-worker that invades your personal space.  I don’t know if boundaries are what I need with Grief but it’s worth a try. 

Grief, you can be an asshole and I accept you as a friend only because it is easier than being your enemy.