LISA O

My gut is raw from anxiety.  My head is fuzzy from overthinking.  My eyes are blurry from the tears.  I sit in the waiting room playing a mindless game on my phone to try and pass the time.  My hands go numb from the endless grasp on my phone, sometimes my only connection to the people in my life.  A text message, a like, a comment on social media giving me a brief smile and a bit of light in an otherwise sea of loneliness.

I entered the exam room to meet a new doctor.  My intent was to get help with a rash on my arm and talk about hormone replacement therapy.  It turned into much more as I gave this new doctor my history.  She saw through me instantly; she recognized my pain.  One thirty-minute appointment and I leave with a prescription for anti-depressants.  This is not me; I am strong, I am level-headed, and I can do anything…

I could no longer push the feelings aside and pretend they weren’t present.  It was manifesting in my body – a rash, constant gut-rot, headaches and fatigue.  This wasn’t perimenopause, this wasn’t age-related conditions – this was grief.

I am now three weeks into being medicated, and 4 sessions into therapy.  Am I getting better?  Do I feel like I can manage things?  The answer is yes and yes, I am sure of it some of the time.  I have confidence that the medication is temporary even if the grief is permanent, but that confidence wanes when a low hits.

A low hit yesterday and extends into today.  I feel like a baby, the baby left in the crib alone to self soothe.  This is what it feels like when a low hits you hard and you need a hug.  Not a hug from friends or family, but a hug from that one person that makes you feel safe.

The person you lost was the once that person.  Where do you turn now?  Who will fill that void?  What I am learning is that I need to find a way to hug myself, to learn to self soothe, to sit with the grief, in the low and not push it away.  So here I am writing this from my bed, wrapped in a weighted blanket, pretending it’s a hug from the new person that will make me feel safe.